I dedicate this one to the moms who want to run. To the moms who want the romance, the sultry darker side, to live in a romance novel, to the moms who desire nurturing and creativity in the deepest places within.
The drummer, who was incredibly hot, invited me to come with them. So, I did what any woman would do while in a dream…I went.
It was like a music video. Or what I imagine Burning Man to be like from the videos, pictures and my friend’s stories.
For a couple days I played in this group, I made love with them, and with the one I desired – without ever touching them sexually. They were showing me the rawness and sensuality of life, yes it was sexy – incredibly so, but deeper than the surface of touch. Much deeper…
When this dreamland party barge was getting ready to move on, I watched the man I left my own man behind for and I tried to meet his eye. He could feel my anxiety. I asked him what was going on – he said he didn’t want what I was offering – he didn’t want that anxiety, that clinging to something that wasn’t real in the first place. He said it with such clarity in his eyes and his heart, I laughed!
I got it.
He gave me a check, and the others did too. I’m not sure why they paid me to be there, it seemed all I did was witness – but maybe I gave them something too. I might have spoken or performed during my time with them, but to me it was just a flow.
He asked me: “What do you WANT?”
I drew a blank. It was such a big question. Too big. Too many options, too many things to consider. I thought about how I always get stumped by this question in my daily life.
Then I narrowed it down to right now, “What I want….what I want…what I want is… (and tears came here) I want to see my family, my kids, my man, to get grounded with them, make sure they are OK.”
And the scene shifted. It was s crowded place, like a casino bar or carnival. I saw the drummer dream man sitting, talking with a strange looking couple…I came up and hugged him from behind, just his shoulders – it was awkward. I could see that this man, and everything I wanted him to be, and everything I could give him…well he couldn’t receive it, and I wasn’t willing to play on the surface, even though it looked like lots of fun. He was a dreamer, living in a dream land, detached from the “real world.” Deeply spiritual and powerful, creative and sexy, self-contained and confident, my desire for him was strong – I wanted perhaps to BE him, not just be with him (which of course I couldn’t, bringing all this anxiety with me).
I found my real-life husband & son, they were mesmerized by the Rube Goldberg musical engineering and fantastic scenes unfolding in front of them in this crazy, magical, chaotic, tempting place. My man was jealous (which was fascinating to me since I’ve never seen him this way in real life). I said that maybe some of the things here were not appropriate for our son to see, I started scanning the scene to make sure it was PG-13. I could see my husband seeking out the drummer with whom I had run away. I told him nothing happened, he never touched me that way. He settled down. He said he couldn’t help but like the guy too, and respect him as well. I recall thinking that must have been part of the glamour of this place.
Back in the cafe area there were other family members there with my husband, son & I, not sure who they all were in this dream, but I was somehow the ‘mom’ or care giver of this small tribe who were huddled closely together. One by one they began crying, tears of anger, tears of relief that I was back. One had a book report due, one was having issues at school, my man was stressed at being left alone with them all, not knowing when, or if, I’d ever return.
It was like the glue that held them together was missing, and as pathetic as it might sound, it was nothing like the anxiety that I had projected onto my dream drummer, they weren’t trying to “get” something from me, like I was with dream guy. They were simply relieved I was there and everything they had been holding in to try to keep it together was tumbling forth.
Instinctively I reached out, I grabbed each one close into my arms that somehow could hold all of them at once. I said, “It’s OK. It’s going to be alright.” And I soothed them. I just held them, loved them and I heard one of them ask me (and I’m crying as I write this):
“But who soothes YOU, mom?”
And I felt this force, both a light touch and deep penetration to my heart & soul, coming from outside me, like a hug around my shoulders from beyond the human realm, directly from the sacred and I suddenly knew it was there all along, I had just been seeking it elsewhere.
It was the sacred touch, of Spirit, of God, moving through me – soothing me as it worked on soothing the others in my arms.
I smiled and said “I’m taken care of.”
In that moment I knew every mother is bestowed with this gift, (indeed every woman, every man, every child, every healer, every leader, every one of us) is receiving this transmission, and it seems that when it is flowing through us towards others, that’s when it feeds us deeply too.
There is sacred in the mundane, in the daily tending of family.
It may not be sexy, or exciting, or glamorous, but it certainly is Divine.
Sometimes I want to run to the fun, but it’s never quite as sweet as standing still and allowing the magic to hold me too.