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sacral warrior...notes from the field

Messy Mom Monday Feb 22

#‎SacredLeadership ‪#‎MessyMomMonday The other night I was at open-gym with my son so he could practice his flips and grabs on the trampoline. I was the only parent there, all other 30 kids had their parents drop them off. I didn’t know any better.

I’m sitting there reading my book and a couple young girls (ages 11-12) sit about 4 feet away from me. Their conversation starts innocently enough about school and boys and then about girls and how one of the girls had another girl hit on her and how uncomfortable that was for her. They simply talked openly about it.

OK, I’m thinking, we have come a long way! That wasn’t even discussed when I was their age. I had no idea about gay/lesbian relationships then. 
I’m trying not to listen, but I’m the only one there and they are so close and it’s quiet in the foyer. I keep reading my book, but they start talking about how they sometimes feel like they want to die. They describe their feelings along with some of the things they have “tried” that kind of hurt, but don’t really do any damage.

My therapist ears perk up, (I used to work with suicidal and self-harming clients) along with my momma bear ears. I’m thinking this is good, they are talking openly with each other, actually saying the word ‘suicide’ and telling each other they would be really upset if the other did anything. OK, I’m still thinking…this could be healthy and perhaps with what they are learning in school and all the recent suicides by kids in town they are simply trying to make sense of it all and because the stigma of the word is not as heavy as it was when I was a kid, it’s simply more acceptable to discuss.

I continue to eavesdrop, because I can’t NOT hear them anymore, and because I’m thinking am I supposed to do something here?

Then one of the girls starts talking about cutting herself. She’s thinking about it and doing small cutting and I know at this juncture that this is going beyond a simple conversation about “what-if” and exploring their (dare I say “normal”) thoughts about what would it be like to not be here anymore and would it solve anything.

Do I speak out of fear? Do I say something because I’m afraid, or do I say something because I’m guided to, and because as a mom I just wanted to hold those girls as tightly as I would hold my own kids and let them know they are loved. I feel no judgment against them or their parents, I simply feel like they are my kids too, maybe because I was the only adult there, or maybe because I’d want other parents to feel that way about my kids when I’m not around. We are in this together.

I feel jittery. I feel that feeling like something wants to be spoken from my mouth, and it’s coming from my heart, but also something bigger than me.

One more gut check to see if I’m really feeling called to say something from Love vs. fear and I get up and approach the girls. 
I kneel down so I’m eye level. I tell them I couldn’t help but overhear them. I tell them “as an adult, I hear you.” I tell them “as a mom, I can assure you even when you feel like your parents don’t get you or aren’t paying attention that you are still deeply loved and would be deeply missed.”

I tell them “I’ve been where you are when I was your age, and it’s scary, and…it’s so worth it to keep going”.

I tell them “You are beautiful young women [one girl looks at her friend and says “see!” the other nods]…and don’t let anyone else ever tell you otherwise.”

I acknowledge again, “I know this isn’t my business, but I asked in my heart if I should say something and I got a ‘yes’, so I’m saying something even though it feels awkward.” They both look at me and say “Ok”, nod at me and I felt a little out of body as I went back to my chair.

It shook me a bit. I felt crunchy afterwards. I went home and ate crunchy cheese-doodles and drank a glass of red wine. Not something I typically do anymore, but it seemed appropriate (and purely medicinal of course).IMG_7875


I don’t know why Spirit led me there that night (we decided to go last minute), or why those girls sat next to me and had that conversation.


Is it simply teenage angst and drama (and didn’t really mean it would lead to anything dire)? Maybe. But I can’t help but wonder if each of us as adults listened to that Inner Voice within and followed our heart-hunches about letting others (especially kids) know how much they matter to us, whether they are our kids or not, especially when we hear or suspect they are hurting…if that might make a difference in child suicide rates.





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