Ever had one of these conversations in your personal life or business?**
It started innocently enough. A couple text messages between us celebrating a win and a “date” with my husband, Mike, to discuss more later after he got home that night. I had no other plans to bring up an uncomfortable conversation we had had earlier that day, I was going to let it go and try to “be” different with him. To take the learning from the morning and do something differently to show him I had gotten it. (An intention which I’ve made at least 25 times over the last 4+ years, around this type of conversation).
We sit down to talk and I notice that I’m saying things to him, bringing things up that I only moments before had no intention of rehashing, but there they were.
I watched with fascination as I slowly began to lose conscious control over my mouth and the words coming out of it.
[It was like the book: My Stroke of Genius in which a neurobiologist, Jill Bolte-Taylor, consciously has a stroke and recalls the experience, and is able to recount the story later in full detail.]
I felt my energy drop, and the same old pattern show up. One where I talk at him, not with him. His words to describe it were: “I feel like a worry doll that you pick up and rub for awhile, telling all your worries – the same ones over and over – and then you put back in a little box until the next time.” Eww. Really? That’s not what I wanted to do…and yet, here I was doing it! Again! I literally had just vowed to stop that sh*t 8 hours earlier, and here it was again!
As he called me out ONCE AGAIN, on this habit, and said this talk is a waste of time, a waste of energy, etc. I felt myself go even deeper into the fog state. I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t understand what had just happened. Here I was in the fog and although I could see that I was there, I didn’t know how it had happened or how to get out in that moment! Why can’t I control myself? Maybe I am as much of a selfish jerk as I feel right now! I’ve been thinking that a lot lately, so it must be true….
I felt deflated about my exciting news, and drained when I thought about the project that I was planning, the very one that I was worrying on him about. Maybe I should just bag the whole thing.
Quit while the quitting’s good.
He went off to bed and I went to the shower and stood there under the water angry with myself, feeling ashamed, overwhelmed and out of control. Out of control because somehow I had just brought up every fear that I had ever felt, some of which were ones that I hadn’t wrestled with for years – it was like I had diarrhea of the mouth! Out of control because how could I let this happen again so quickly?!
I thought about how whenever this type of conversation happened, it reminded me of how I felt with my parents growing up.
Then it hit me. In a way that it never had before.
I was using Mike.
I was creating conversations with him that would create a certain feeling in me. One that I was used to, one that felt familiar. A feeling that would keep me safe, would keep me small, and fitting in. One that would deter me from taking action on my plans and goals in my business. A feeling that would validate the fears and self-doubt and negative thoughts I had about myself that crept in over and over. A specific feeling that would feed all this self-doubt and fear.
What I saw even more clearly was that it was the little voices that were doing it. And I saw how when those little voices created a conversation with Mike, they got a very specific response from him, one that triggered his little voices too. I saw that I was disrespecting him, and me, by continuing to have these conversations and that I was creating them (much as I wanted to blame him for his reaction to me as being the cause of my fog, the real cause of my fog was…me. Ugh.)
The conversations all started within me first.
And so I replayed the previous 4 hours in my head and looked for what I knew to be the triggers that usually made me vulnerable to those little voices, and I saw that at least 3 things had happened, or I had chosen to do and think, which set me up for a vulnerable conversation that kills.
Yeah. I know. It sounds really negative and dramatic. It is!
These conversations slowly kill love, self-esteem, time, connection, relationships, and energy. They obliterate our ability to see possibility. They kill our dreams and erode belief in ourselves. These conversations kill off the 3 things we need to lead ourselves and our business: Clarity, Courage, & Conviction which all lead to action. (Which is our fastest path to cash, by the way…)
There were tools that I used to see this pattern, and to see it clearly while standing there in the shower. Tools that freed me from the pattern. I knew then exactly what I needed to do to make the intention I had made 25 times before actually stick this time. Right away I felt lighter. Freer. I started taking action immediately and saw results just as quickly.
I realized that trying to fix the problem actually was the problem, and I needed a whole new way of looking at these conversations. One that works, that actually creates love, energy, growth and movement. That’s what I want to offer you as well. So, I created the…
Conversations that Connect & Create Intensive
It’s coming up quick. You have set the intentions and goals for the new year, right? Here’s a way to actually change the conversation in your head and with others so that you can follow through on those intentions!
Join me and a small group of entrepreneurs who want to change the conversations in their head (and with others!) in order to create energy, enthusiasm and action around their goals for 2013. Check it out. I promise it’s gonna blow those little voices’ minds 😉
**I am blessed to have a partner who is extremely insightful, who knows me very well, and who isn’t afraid to tell me exactly what he thinks or feels. While it isn’t always easy to hear the truth, I always learn from it – though sometimes it takes me awhile… 😉